temptations

September 6, 2008

“What was the hardest thing you’ve ever done in your life?”

This was the very vague or broad topic I had for my impromptu speech. When I picked it, it was really hard to think considering that I know that I really am not a creative person with this kind of thing. In addition to that is the stage fright that is really hard to ignore when you are already in front of the audience. But since that speech has a very big contribution on my grade to our speech class, I told myself that I must do this thing and I have no choice but to do this thing with the best attitude that I can. So, I geared up and stood in front of my 27 person audience.

I delivered a very shallow speech . I just thought at that time that my speech was enough to awe or involve my audience. Maybe, it was because of the nervousness that I felt at that time that made me think of the shallowness of my speech. Also, maybe it was also because of the nervousness that I felt that it was the best thing that I can do with my speech. But now, I think, I can do better than that . So, I hope that I can make it up with this journal.

“What was the hardest thing you’ve ever done in your life?”

Since I was a child, I was oriented by my parents to prioritize my studies because it was the best thing that I can do for myself and for my family. So, anything that can distract my concentration on my studies, I must ignore them. I call these things temptations and ignoring the number one temptation for me is the second hardest thing I’ve ever done in my 18 years of existence. The first one, as you may remember, was letting my father go to one of the most dangerous places on this earth to work. And the second one will be ignoring the temptation of having a romantic relationship.

I was linked mutually more than once with a guy since elementary. During my elementary days, I was able to ignore that feeling because I kept reminding myself that those kinds of feelings are not true and do not last forever at that early age. I entered high school and again, I had the same feelings with different guys . I think that the feelings just shifted to a different person because I had the intuition of rejection even before we have settled things between us. But at the end, I realized that the feelings are not really the same because they had different intensities and sources. I really can’t describe the feeling, but in general, it hurts. In my life, I’ve experienced 2 greatest longings, happiness, and hurt. These happened because I have to ignore the temptation of involving myself more with these special persons. During those times, I had this very painful prick that gave me maximum of 3 crying nights. I knew that I am not hurting only myself but I am also hurting those 2 different persons because I chose to ignore the temptation of having deeper relationships with them. Again, during those times, for my and my family’s future, I had to ignore the temptation. Damn. Why does my future have to hurt my present and past that much?

I am not an emo, but maybe at this point, I am. Because for the nth time, I am ignoring another temptation for my more secure future. I am not yet involved deeply with him, but I know, I am nearing there. Ignoring this temptation is hard right now, I do not want it to be harder.

--inuulit ko po, hindi ako emo, dito lang siguro.haha. sarap magsulat! Wuhoo!